The ghosts of abuse

While sitting on a bus minding my own business a strange man came up and chatting with me. He was also a writer and by the time the bus had stopped twice he invited me to go see a play. For some reason I suddenly felt cornered. Here I was a forty-two year old woman unable to gracefully bow out of this situation. There was definitely something inside me that made me feel obligated to make myself available to this stranger. Is that sick of what?

I began to think to myself and I remembered that as a child I had to be available to my brother Michael. I had to be with him, act like he wanted me to act. I was trained to be a little play thing from a very young age and it's never really gone away.

With great queasiness inside still fighting all my training to please I finally mustered up the courage to turn down the stranger on the bus. And it was not until I walked home alone and reflected on this incident that the magnitude of the damage that was done to me as a child became increasingly and horrifying clear.

I finally figured out the real crime of child abuse. It's the crime of forming a characteristic in a child's personality when that personality is still growing itself. That why the scars never really go away and that's why at forty-two years old I still got tongued tied when a strangers invaded my space. So while I was a victim of abuse as a child it became clear to me that I carried the ghosts with me as an adult. It's no wonder I've made terrible errors or judgement with people and substance abuse and not only that attracted personality types that victimize.

I realize that I've struggled with this on a daily bases . If it were not for my new found faith and a church that accepts me for who I am I fear I would never have come so far as to even begin to write this blog.

That night I prayed. Dear God give me the strength and wisdom to overcome all the pain from the past that has nothing to do with my present or future.
Love K