This entire week starting with the plastic surgeon thing and the cutting up of the female body. I have finally figured out why this affect me so much. The obvious is often the last place I look but this time it's different because I'm' not negating myself anymore. It's the abuse factor. The abuse of women to cut up their bodies, the abuse I've inflicted on myself for all these years, choosing alcohol, drugs, sex all things that an abused child is set up to do as an adult.
I have figured out that the worst thing about being an abused child is that my "spidy sense" got inverted. In other words, everything I knew and trusted got turned upside down on its head. So, when I entered adult hood I carried it with me. I attracted people who were bad for me like my family members, I put myself in situations that were dangerous like a child been molested. I ran as far away from family as possible like a scared little girl. To this day I still don't have the guts to pick up phone and tell them what I think. I do feel however that I'm working up to that.
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