A Late Night Ephiphany of an Abused Child.

A thought came to me last night. One of those thoughts that ring true deep in you soul. The simple thought was.."don't apologize for yourself anymore". Could it be that I'd been going through life apologizing for being me or allowing myself to become me? I froze in my bed with fear. Could it be true that I really have been negating the very essence of myself? The answer to all was a resounding yes and triggered by this Epiphany I took a moment to examine my childhood.

My mother and my three brothers have not spoken to me for at least twenty years. No, I am not a mass murderer, a pyro a thief. I am simply an abused child who has turned into an adult and the witnesses to that probably pray every day for my death. I was the youngest girl with three older brothers an average of twelve years my senior. No love, no concern no guidance did I ever receive. But my middle brother Michael did wake me up every day as a child by rolling his naked body separated by blankets over mine . This man got a doctorate in Social work and has the nerve to tell other people how to heal their families.
My mother? Well I was always a pain in the ass for her. She'd do stuff like lock me in a car in a parking lot for hours on very wintry,very cold nights while she went to the gym. I can remember trying to squeeze myself under the seat just to keep warm.
My other two brothers stay as far away from me as possible like I'm diseased and when friends call to get my phone number here in New York they hang up on them.

My girlfriend Jamie suspects that I'm really not my mother's daughter as all. How could mother consciously seek estrangement from her only daughter? How could a mother push her child out in the world with no guidance, no love, no support? Jamie suspects that I"m really the daughter of my brother Michael which unfortunately makes a lot of sense to me.

I think the worst thing that they taught me was how to excel at something and then just stop. My mother would spend thousands of dollars on piano lessons and I did excel only to be told you can't job in that and I never played again...all those years all that skill just gone just wasted just never to be again. This scenario played itself out so prominently in my life that I have continually jumped from job to career to profession and have never taken enough time to excel at one.

I have been writing for years but not published not able to take that very last and crucial step to make this a living for myself. That's why this blog is so important for me. Just the idea that someone out there might be reading this inspires me to write more. I guess my little family didn't count on blogs.

After this experience I can honesty say that the liberating thing for me was to actually name these people. Yes they have a name. This is the first time I have actually named them and it's all because of my little Epiphany that said "do not negate yourself". I won't do that any more I will name those who have hurt me.