Honor thy father and thy mother

HONOR YOUR FATHER AND YOUR MOTHER by Kay Hall

" Honor your father and your mother, so that you my live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.”

There is no question in my mind that this is the most difficult commandment of all. How can you honor someone who hurt you? What honor could they possibly deserve? As I lay in bed last night this is what came to my mind when I thought of my New Years Eve Resolution to honor this Commandment and call my mother. That thought alone put me in a state of panic. It felt like someone was pressing down on my chest.

There was fear , I became nervous and jittery. What would I say after so many? How could I live up to that commandment and honor this person?With my physical reaction in full force I imagined the conversation, my questions for her. Why didn't you honor my father's wishes? How could you just let me out into the world with no support? What kind of a mother are you? I felt anger, pain, relief and then I decided to call.

As I picked up the phone it became clear to me that as long as I hid behind these anxieties, I could never be whole. Could I finally find it within myself to show her honor? But honor for what?

I always figured that honor was something you impart to someone who does something good, something positive, something greater that oneself. This woman did none of that.Was it possible that if I could find a way to honor this woman I could erase this childhood fear that still plagued me? Was it possible to reconcile this dilemma?

Then slowly it came to me. I would honor her by accepting her decision to reject me. With this thought something was lifted from me. I think it was deep seated. The feeling that somehow I deserved such rejection, or, had done something to deserve this rejection. I began to realize that her decision was all her own, she was responsible, not me. She was an adult and she had a right to make any decisions about anything she choose. Her actions did not have to reflect on me and I decided that I had to find a way to honor her decision as an individual. By doing so I would be honoring her for better or worse and I could finally say honestly to God that I'd honored his commandment.

Armed with this new knowledge I dialed her number. She answered and we chatted casually.
“How are you?”
“Every thing's fine.”
“How are you?”
“Fine.”Through this meaningless dialogue the weeds that had suffocated me for years slowly began to unravel and float away. By honoring her decision I realized that I had the power to make my own decisions and I would.

If there's anything you need", I began. "Give me call". I even told her I loved her and gave her my phone number. Then, I went to the gym to work out.

It started to hit me on the way home. I was not the elated daughter reunited with her mother like I'd seen on Oprah. I could never expect a happy reunion. A painful circle suddenly healed? No, that was not my reality. I felt anger- active pissed-off anger.

First I was angry with her but then I turned on myself. All these years I had let that woman affect my life, my career my decisions. All this time I'd spent trying to explain to people why I had no family life and she still rejected me. Then, like magic. the negative anger I'd been churning inside for years began to metamorphisize into a good anger, a determined anger an anger that I realized I could use to empower myself . An anger that could propel me into adulthood, into accepting my own destiny. A destiny that was now truly my own... and there wasn't a moment to waste.

I reveled in God's wisdom once again. A commandment that was given a commandment that was once an impossibility for me had now become a reality. And , by acting on that reality I was propelled into a new place a place where pain became a thing truly of the past. A place where I could finally separate my past from my present and my future.

Honor thy mother? I did that, so many years later even knowing she'd never honor me. Somehow I'd freed myself and given her a window to free herself and that night I prayed.
“Dear God, thank you for leading me to a commandment that was the key to freeing my psyche I pray that the woman who calls herself my mother will have the courage to do the same”